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<B>Volume 38 Issue 05</B>
&nbsp;<B>|</B>
&nbsp;<B>America's Finest News Source</B>
&nbsp;<B>|</B>
&nbsp;<B>13 February 2002</B></FONT></TD>
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<B>Smiling Willie Nelson Reflects On A Lifetime Of Weed And Women</B><BR>
LUCK , TX&#151; Taking a long, slow drag off a joint, country-music legend Willie Nelson
reflected on a lifetime of weed and women Monday. &quot;I've had some pretty fine
times,&quot; said a smiling Nelson between hits at his West Texas ranch. &quot;And some
pretty fine ladies. Some of the names have escaped me, but the memories never will.&quot;
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<B>Moviegoer Can Already See Where Commercials Will Go</B><BR>
MILTON, MA&#151; Twenty minutes into a screening of Disney's <i>Snow Dogs</i> Monday,
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<B>Valentine's Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship</B><BR>
MONROE, MI&#151; Area resident Todd Munde, who has been dating Lisa Watros for the past
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relationship. &quot;It's kind of weird to be doing the whole romantic flowers-and-candy
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have fallen somewhere around the four-month mark. Oh, well.&quot;<BR>
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<B>Woman Who Claims Book Changed Her Life Has Not Changed</B><BR>
MEMPHIS, TN&#151; Despite claims that Bruce Wilkinson's <i>The Prayer Of Jabez: Breaking
Through To The Blessed Life</i>, &quot;totally changed [her] worldview,&quot; payroll
secretary Brenda Haskell is the same shallow, distracted person she has always been.
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spiritual plane,&quot; coworker Stephanie Roule said. &quot;I guess that's the spiritual
plane where you spend all day obsessing over your nails.&quot;<BR>
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<B>Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet</B><BR>
DEATH MOUNTAIN&#151; The skull of Wynric Lance, failed claimant to the throne of Eirea,
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at a banquet celebrating the defeat of the Army Of Light. &quot;You have to hold it just
right to keep the wine from spilling over the parietal bones where they connect with the
occipital. And there's a leak in the left temple. As much as I love the idea of using it,
it's just stupid and impractical.&quot; Shryke concluded that while he might end up
drinking from Lance's skull &quot;occasionally, for show,&quot; he plans to retain his set
of brass flutes for everyday use.<BR>
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<B>Senate Subcommittee On Energy And Water Development More Like A Family</B><BR>
WASHINGTON, DC&#151; Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking Republican on the Senate
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a Senate subcommittee than a big family. &quot;[Senator] Harry [Reid (D-NV)] isn't just
chairman of our subcommittee. He's more like a dad to us,&quot; Domenici said. &quot;We
can talk to him about anything that's troubling us, even if it has nothing to do with the
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Holocaust Museum Cashier Has Yet Another Depressing Day</B></FONT><BR>
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WASHINGTON, DC&#151; Alyssa Kaplan, 20, a cashier at the United States Holocaust Memorial
Museum, had yet another in a seemingly endless string of depressing days
Monday.</FONT><BR>
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<A HREF="ge_ad_trumpets.html" TARGET="_top"><B>GE Ad Trumpets Company's Government-Ordered Environmental Cleanup</B></A><BR CLEAR="ALL"><BR>
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<A HREF="when_you_are_ready.html" TARGET="_top"><B>When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address</B></A><BR><BR>
<FONT FACE="Verdana, Arial, Geneva, Helvetica, sans-serif" SIZE="1" COLOR="#000000">Jean Teasdale</FONT><BR>
<A HREF="incurable_romantic.html" TARGET="_top"><B>Incurable Romantic? Guilty As Charged!</B></A><BR><BR>
<FONT FACE="Verdana, Arial, Geneva, Helvetica, sans-serif" SIZE="1" COLOR="#000000">The Onion presents tips for</FONT><BR>
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